All my wonderful plans and commitments that I made to myself at the begging of the year, went to waste only about a month ago. Just shows how ridiculous it is to try take total control of your life…
At the very beginning of the academic year, I thought I was being very responsible, smart and even brave to tackle a part time bar tending job, at probably the coolest club in town, while doing my BA Graphic Design with Art History degree. Which so by the way, is pretty f*ing hard! The bar tending job required at least 10 hours of my night time and my studies required at least, 10 hours of my day time, which left only 4 hours remaining to sleep. I did this for about 2 to 3 months…
In shot, this caused me to fall behind with my study work, mixing my priorities, losing all control of my sleeping pattern, skipping class, getting further behind or losing marks. Not getting enough sleep and consuming the wrong food alternately led to inefficient projects being handed in, because I am just to tired to give my all and focus on the task at hand. Thinking back, I imagine myself looking like a fish on dry land, struggling to breathe.
This naturally and unfortunately caused a lot of stress in my life, to the point where it lead to hectic mood swings, illness, anxiety and finally, major depression. Personally I think that my depression wasn’t caused by all the stress, but rather motivated by it. I was suffering from post traumatic stress due to unfortunate events that took place around the end of October last year. This unpleasing event was of course the result of a buildup of emotions throughout the year (2016). Due to all the focus on coping with reality, getting my shit together, basically, I couldn’t deal with my emotions like I would’ve in a more ‘natural environment’.
So, almost a month ago, I decided to leave university.
I was busy shooting for a project, a stop motion title sequence, and the whole time that we were busy, I realised that this is what I really want to do for a living, photography, but I wasn’t feeling any bit of excitement towards this project, and I am supposed to love what I’m doing?! Then and there I opened up to Wyatt, my boyfriend who was modelling for me, and told him that I can’t do this any more. I can’t go through another day waking up and not being thrilled about the day ahead. I remember saying, “I just want to be happy again.” My dad called and luckily he was in town. He came over and I told him how I felt and that I want to focus on photography. He handled it quite good I must say. He told me not to worry, and that he can see it’s really draining me emotionally and physically. He said, “It doesn’t matter whether you are a student or working, you have to be excited about what you’re doing.” It made so much sense to me and the next day I went to campus, got the forms, and quit!
Although, I don’t see this as a failure at all!
I think that was the most responsible decision I have made this year. Since I made that decision it feels like my whole life turned upside down. It feels like I stood with my back towards everything I really wanted to spend my time on; family, creating a growing income for myself, blogging, spending more time with myself and with God, etc. NOW I’ve turned around. I’m facing my dreams and focusing on what really matters to me. Things that fill me as a human being with life, excitement, love, peace, passion and humbleness. I have not totally given up on design either! I have designed my own logo for this blog and are currently looking out and searching for any freelance opportunities to collaborate with my, now priority one, photography.
At the end of it all, the most important lessons I’ve learned during the past 9 months, is probably that forgiving others for what they have done to you and to others, are one of the most crucial steps to becoming a better person. Don’t hold grudges, it is really a waste of only your time and you’re doing it to yourself. The second lesson that I’ve learned is that as soon as you don’t feel like you’re happy in your circumstances anymore, and it’s not just PMS or you don’t like the people you work with, CHANGE THEM! Don’t get stuck like I had and waste precious time that you could’ve spent getting closer to reaching/achieving your dreams and goals.
I hope that sharing my experience may inspire you and bring you to a realisation that making a drastic decision isn’t always a bad thing and there are always more options than your current situation.
Stay wise, much love. xx